


Again

by HeyGina



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, Memories, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Torture, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, bucky deserves better, im sorry, in advance, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-04 23:02:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12781527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyGina/pseuds/HeyGina
Summary: There were children. On the street, across the roof where he was waiting for his target. There were two children, a ginger and a blond. The ginger was sitting on top of a wheeled board, while the blond held the end of the rope attached to it and pulled. The ginger laughed and laughed. He could hear it from up there.The scene caught his attention so bad he missed his target entering the building he was supposed to be watching. He took him out in the end – but it implied two kills that weren’t meant to happen.Not that he cares. Not that he can care. The mission was completed. That’s all he cars about. That’s all that he can care about.(In which something triggers a certain memory for the Soldier and Bucky Barnes fights to come back.)





	Again

It’s always the same.

“Mission report.”

“Mission completed. Target down."

“Mission report."

“Mission completed. Targets removed.”

“Mission report."

“Mission completed. Targets down."

Until it isn’t.

“Mission report.”

What?

“Soldier. Mission report.”

“Mission–"

Mission?

There were children. On the street, across the roof where he was waiting for his target. There were two children, a ginger and a blond. The ginger was sitting on top of a wheeled board, while the blond held the end of the rope attached to it and pulled. The ginger laughed and laughed. He could hear it from up there.

The scene caught his attention so bad he missed his target entering the building he was supposed to be watching. He took him out in the end – but it implied two kills that weren’t meant to happen.

Not that he cares. Not that he  _can_ care. The mission was completed. That’s all he cars about. That’s all that he can care about.

But then–

“Soldier. Mission. Report _._  “

“Mission completed. Two casualties. Two–"

Two children.

“–children? Two–?“

Two children. One is ginger and one is blond – only now as he recalls it, one is blond and the other is brown haired. The blond is small and scrawny and the other is slightly taller, pulling from a dirty old rope – only now it’s attached to a simple wooden board with no wheels. The taller boy laughs, and the blond does too, regardless of his mildly concerned expression.

(Someone grabs at the Soldier’s hair. He barely notices.)

The taller boy stops to take a deep breath, smile still on his face, and the blond jumps out of the board, screaming “it’s your turn now!”But the other snorts. “I’m too heavy for ya, Stevie. _”_  The blond pouts, is about to complain, and–

_Stevie._

_Oh, God._

_Oh, God, Steve. No._

Whoever holds his hair yanks his head back and then releases it. He manages to open his eyes (when did he close them?) despite the blinding lights and tries looking around. A man sits on his right. Behind him, half a dozen people observe, and heart sinks. He looks between them, then back at the man, who’s asking something again. But he doesn’t hear him. He can’t. He can’t hear anything but wind howling in his ears and voices screaming and–

“Steve _.”_ The name slips out of his lips before he has time to stop it, and suddenly everything goes back to its place.

_Steve. Steve. No. Please. No._

The man stands up with a sigh and though he’s still deaf to the world, he knows what he barks to the rest of the men in the room.

_No. No. Please, no, not again, please. Steve, Stevie. Please._

His heart races, threatens to jump out of his chest as someone pushes him back on the chair. He knows. He knows and he remembers and  _please, no._

He wants to scream. He wants to get out. He wants to run and run and run and get away from all of this. 

But he doesn’t. He can’t. He can’t move. He can’t speak. He can’t but comply, even if he’s dying inside. Comply. Obey. Quiet.

He says nothing as they lower the headset. He opens his mouth and lets them fit the rubber piece inside – while a thousand and one images flash through his mind. Steve is in most of them and he feels his eyes burning but no tears will come out – because even if he suddenly has control of his mind, his body is not his.  _God, his body is not his, what have they done? What has he done? What–_

He knows what’s coming. He can’t see anymore and he can’t hear anything but he feels the cold metal around his head and he knows what’s coming  _and he knows where he is he knows how could he not know how could he forget how could he forget himself and Steve and oh God Steve please no please don’t take it away please not again not again not again not-_

By the time the agony is over, Steve is gone.

So is Bucky. Again.

**Author's Note:**

> hope this was painful. comments are highly appreciated and i'll give you a cookie.
> 
> im cvptainbucky on tumblr! come say hi


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